Matthew Collins was shopping in Brick lane on his mobility scooter and wearing his bat man costume (see above photo) when he noticed a group of Kurdish asylum seekers, Matty approached them and stated that he was an anti racist who welcomed asylum seekers in Britain. Matty offered to put the group up for the night and said that he was holding a party. The group traveled to Matty`s bedsit where Matty put on an Arthur C Clark video assuming that it would excite them in the same way it did him. Matty then offered them drinks that were heavily laced with viagra. Matty then went outside and borrowed his neighbours ladders which he then put below his window. Matty then climbed up the ladders to spy on the Kurds, but after two minutes one of them opened the window to have a cigarette and the ladder fell backwards and Matty landed on a portable halal burger kiosk causing extensive damage. (see photo below)
Battered and bruised and disorientated Matty returned to his bedsit and requested that the group leave, but by now the viagra that he had spiked their drinks with was taking effect. The Kurds then chased Matty out of the building who was by now screaming for help. Matty tripped up and started crawling on his hands and knees waving a twenty pound note while slobbering like a Walrus stranded on a beach. A taxi picked Matty up and drove him to the police station where Matty had the cheek to make a complaint against the Kurds by claiming that they had broke in his bedsit and claimed squatters rights!!! By now the 8 tins of special brew lager were taking its toll on Matty`s stomach, over whelmed by nausea he sat down in the police reception area and then things took a turn for worse when the pie and pies from the previous night decided to put in an appearance, Matty vomited all over the police reception area.
A Portuguese immigrant cleaner paid on low wages was immediately deployed to cover the vomit in sawdust. Officers had to wear special forensic suits when escorting Matty into the cells.. Matty was then taken into police custody for his own protection after the desk sergeant jumped over the counter and tried to strangle Matty. Before Matty was escorted to the cells The police asked him to empty the contents of his pockets (see photo below) which he then put on the counter. The officers laughed so loud that two of the windows in the station cracked.
Matty was released the next day without charge, but was advised to try contacting the police by phone the next time he wanted to put in a complaint.
